Most Important Joke
A man dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates and says, "Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in." "Okay," the man says, "I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, and loved her deep in my heart." "That's wonderful," says St.Peter, "that's worth two points!" "Only two points?" the man says. "Well, I attended church all my life and supported its ministry with my tithes and service." "Terrific!" says St.Peter. "That's certainly worth a point." "One point!?!! I started a soup kitchen in my city and also worked in a shelter for homeless veterans." "Fantastic, that's good for two more points," St.Peter says. "Two points!?!!" Exasperated, the man cries, "At this rate, the only way I'll get into heaven is by the grace of God." 'Bingo! 100 points ! Come on in!'
Priest Joke
A painter was hired to paint the exterior of a church. His practice was to thin the paint so that he could make a larger profit. As he was painting the church a torrential rain began to fall and it washed all of the paint off. Then, as quickly as the rain began, it ended, and the sun came out. As the painter gazed skyward, he heard a voice from above saying: " Repaint ! Go, and thin no more."
Wife Joke
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny, what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
Weekday Joke
Without GOD, our week would be: Sinday, Mournday, Tearsday, Wasteday, Thirstday, Fightday & Shatterday. Remember seven days WITHOUT GOD makes One WEAK!!
Dad Joke
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem. They give him $50." The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song. They give him $100." The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
Deadly Joke
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say? Artie said, " I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man." Merle said: , "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in peoples lives." Don said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look! He's moving!'"
Smart Kid Joke
At a picnic for a Catholic school, the Mother Superior stacked a pile of apples on one end of a table with a sign saying, "Take only one apple please - God is watching." On the other end of the table was a pile of cookies, on which a second grade student had placed a sign on saying, "Take all the cookies you want -- God is watching the apples."
Historical Wife Joke
Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman. God said this person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear you children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you,and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed. Adam asked God what would a woman like that would cost him. God said, "An arm and a leg." Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?" And the rest is history....
Revengeful Woman
An elderly woman died last month and having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, so I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead."
Intelligent Woman Joke
One Sunday a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns. After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."
Scientist Challenge Joke
One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him. The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need You. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't You just go on and get lost." God listened very patiently and kindly to the man. After the scientist was done talking, God said, "Very well, how about this? Let's say we have a man-making contest?" To which the scientist replied, "Okay, great!" But God added, "Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam." The scientist said, "Sure, no problem," and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt. God looked at him and said, "No, no, no! You go get your own dirt!"
Board Meeting Joke
After a long, dry sermon, the minister announced that he wished to meet with the church board following the close of the service. However, the first man to arrive was a total stranger. "You misunderstood my announcement. This is a meeting of the board," said the minister. "I know," said the man, "but if there is anyone here more bored than I am, I'd like to meet him."
Bedroom Joke
After church, Johnny tells his parents he has to go and talk to the minister right away. They agree and the pastor greets the family. "I heard you say today that our bodies came from the dust." "That's right, Johnny, I did." "And I heard you say that when we die, our bodies go back to dust." "Yes, I'm glad you were listening. Why do you ask?" "Well you better come over to our house right away and look under my bed 'cause there's someone either comin' or goin'!"
Husband Wife Joke
An elderly couple met their demise in an auto accident and were transported to Heaven. The faithful couple were recognized by St. Peter and escorted into the welcome center, where they began to take in all the wonder and amazement of the place. St. Peter pointed out the food court and told them that they could of course eat anything and not worry about their health. The husband especially began partaking of the pastries and deserts. The wife was amazed at the beauty, the peace and the joy she felt and commented over and over about what a nice place Heaven was and how happy she felt to be there. However, the husband began looking quite grim. His wife inquired what the problem was. The husband sneered, "If it weren't for you and your oat bran muffins & health food, we'd probably have been here 15 years ago!"
Religious Joke
There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business so she did a lot of flying. But flying made her nervous so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her. One time she was sitting next to a man and when he saw her pull out her Bible he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing . After awhile he turned to her and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?" The lady replied, "Of course I do...it is the Bible." He said, "Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale? She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible. He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?" The lady said, "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven I will ask him." "What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically. "Then you can ask him!" replied the lady.
Lying Joke
A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17." The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
Shaving Joke
Setting: A small rural community, so small, in fact, the only church in town is a small Baptist church whose pastor must also double up as the local barber to make ends meet. There happened to be a man in this small community who had invested wisely and was enjoying his newfound comfort. This man got out of bed one day to go through his daily routine. He looked into the mirror as he was about to shave and decided, "I make enough money now, I don't have to shave myself. I'll go down to the barber and let him shave me from now on." So he did. He walked into the barber shop and found the preacher/barber was out calling on the shut-ins. His wife, Grace, said "I usually do the shaves anyway ... sit down and I'll shave you." So he did. She shaved him and he asked, "How much do I owe you?" "$25," Grace replied. The man thought that was somewhat expensive and that he may have to get a shave every other day. Nonetheless, he paid Grace and went on his way. The next day, he woke up and found his face to be just as smooth as the day before. No need for a shave today, he thought, well, it was a $25 shave. The next day he awoke to find his face as smooth as the day before. Wow! he thought. That's amazing, as he normally would need to shave daily to keep his clean-shaven business look. Day 3, he woke up and his face was still as smooth as the minute after Grace had finished. Now, somewhat perplexed, the man went down to the barber shop to ask some questions. This particular day the pastor was in and the man asked him why his face was as smooth as it was the first day it was shaven. The kind old pastor gently retorted, "Friend, you were shaved by Grace ... and once shaved, always shaved."
1
A man dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates and says, "Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in." "Okay," the man says, "I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, and loved her deep in my heart." "That's wonderful," says St.Peter, "that's worth two points!" "Only two points?" the man says. "Well, I attended church all my life and supported its ministry with my tithes and service." "Terrific!" says St.Peter. "That's certainly worth a point." "One point!?!! I started a soup kitchen in my city and also worked in a shelter for homeless veterans." "Fantastic, that's good for two more points," St.Peter says. "Two points!?!!" Exasperated, the man cries, "At this rate, the only way I'll get into heaven is by the grace of God." 'Bingo! 100 points ! Come on in!'
2
A painter was hired to paint the exterior of a church. His practice was to thin the paint so that he could make a larger profit. As he was painting the church a torrential rain began to fall and it washed all of the paint off. Then, as quickly as the rain began, it ended, and the sun came out. As the painter gazed skyward, he heard a voice from above saying: " Repaint ! Go, and thin no more."
3
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny, what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
4
Without GOD, our week would be: Sinday, Mournday, Tearsday, Wasteday, Thirstday, Fightday & Shatterday. Remember seven days WITHOUT GOD makes One WEAK!!
5
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby sitter."
6
An elderly woman died last month and having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, so I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead."
7
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem. They give him $50." The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song. They give him $100." The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
8
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say? Artie said, " I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man." Merle said: , "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in peoples lives." Don said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look! He's moving!'"
9
At a picnic for a Catholic school, the Mother Superior stacked a pile of apples on one end of a table with a sign saying, "Take only one apple please - God is watching." On the other end of the table was a pile of cookies, on which a second grade student had placed a sign on saying, "Take all the cookies you want -- God is watching the apples."
10
Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman. God said this person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear you children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you,and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed. Adam asked God what would a woman like that would cost him. God said, "An arm and a leg." Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?" And the rest is history....
11
One Sunday a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns. After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."
12
One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him. The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need You. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't You just go on and get lost." God listened very patiently and kindly to the man. After the scientist was done talking, God said, "Very well, how about this? Let's say we have a man-making contest?" To which the scientist replied, "Okay, great!" But God added, "Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam." The scientist said, "Sure, no problem," and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt. God looked at him and said, "No, no, no! You go get your own dirt!"
13
After a long, dry sermon, the minister announced that he wished to meet with the church board following the close of the service. However, the first man to arrive was a total stranger. "You misunderstood my announcement. This is a meeting of the board," said the minister. "I know," said the man, "but if there is anyone here more bored than I am, I'd like to meet him."
14
It's a beautiful day and three men go golfing. The first guy, Moses, steps up to the tee and hits the ball which lands smack in the middle of the lake. Moses goes over to the lake, touches his gold club to the water, the waters part, and he walks up to it and hits it out. The ball lands 10 feet away from the hole. Satisfied, he steps back and lets the next man, Jesus, go. He also goes up to the tee, hits the ball, and watches as it lands on a lily pad in near the center of the lake. Jesus then goes to the lake, walks across the surface of the water, hits the ball out, and it lands 2 feet from the hole. Happy, he walks over to stand with Moses. Next the last person steps up, hits the ball, and watches as it heads right for the lake as well. However, before it hits the surface somehow a frog manages to swallow it, followed by a large bird swooping down and grabbing the frog in it's beak, flying away with it. Terrified, the frog spits out the ball as they pass over the roof of a nearby house, the ball goes into the rain gutter then trails back out into the field, headed straight for the hole. He gets a hole in one! Moses then turns to Jesus and says: "Do you always have to bring your Dad golfing with us?"
15
After church, Johnny tells his parents he has to go and talk to the minister right away. They agree and the pastor greets the family. "I heard you say today that our bodies came from the dust." "That's right, Johnny, I did." "And I heard you say that when we die, our bodies go back to dust." "Yes, I'm glad you were listening. Why do you ask?" "Well you better come over to our house right away and look under my bed 'cause there's someone either comin' or goin'!"
16
An elderly couple met their demise in an auto accident and were transported to Heaven. The faithful couple were recognized by St. Peter and escorted into the welcome center, where they began to take in all the wonder and amazement of the place. St. Peter pointed out the food court and told them that they could of course eat anything and not worry about their health. The husband especially began partaking of the pastries and deserts. The wife was amazed at the beauty, the peace and the joy she felt and commented over and over about what a nice place Heaven was and how happy she felt to be there. However, the husband began looking quite grim. His wife inquired what the problem was. The husband sneered, "If it weren't for you and your oat bran muffins & health food, we'd probably have been here 15 years ago!"
17
A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, clothes unkempt, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. Needless to say, the priest became uncomfortably at the smell and appearance of his seatmate. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?" In his annoyed state, the priest retorted "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man." "Well I'll be....." the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, realizing the error of his comment, apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to be so rude. How long have you had arthritis?" "I don't, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
18
There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business so she did a lot of flying. But flying made her nervous so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her. One time she was sitting next to a man and when he saw her pull out her Bible he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing . After awhile he turned to her and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?" The lady replied, "Of course I do...it is the Bible." He said, "Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale? She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible. He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?" The lady said, "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven I will ask him." "What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically. "Then you can ask him!" replied the lady.
19
A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17." The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
20
Setting: A small rural community, so small, in fact, the only church in town is a small Baptist church whose pastor must also double up as the local barber to make ends meet. There happened to be a man in this small community who had invested wisely and was enjoying his newfound comfort. This man got out of bed one day to go through his daily routine. He looked into the mirror as he was about to shave and decided, "I make enough money now, I don't have to shave myself. I'll go down to the barber and let him shave me from now on." So he did. He walked into the barber shop and found the preacher/barber was out calling on the shut-ins. His wife, Grace, said "I usually do the shaves anyway ... sit down and I'll shave you." So he did. She shaved him and he asked, "How much do I owe you?" "$25," Grace replied. The man thought that was somewhat expensive and that he may have to get a shave every other day. Nonetheless, he paid Grace and went on his way. The next day, he woke up and found his face to be just as smooth as the day before. No need for a shave today, he thought, well, it was a $25 shave. The next day he awoke to find his face as smooth as the day before. Wow! he thought. That's amazing, as he normally would need to shave daily to keep his clean-shaven business look. Day 3, he woke up and his face was still as smooth as the minute after Grace had finished. Now, somewhat perplexed, the man went down to the barber shop to ask some questions. This particular day the pastor was in and the man asked him why his face was as smooth as it was the first day it was shaven. The kind old pastor gently retorted, "Friend, you were shaved by Grace ... and once shaved, always shaved."
