128 Stupid Funny Jokes

Accident Joke

A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts.” The doctor asks, “What do you mean?” The man says, “When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee - OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts.” The doctor says, “I know what’s wrong with you - you’ve broken your finger!”

Scotish Joke

A Scotsman who was driving home one night, ran into a car driven by an Englishman. The Scotsman got out of the car to apologize and offered the Englishman a drink from a bottle of whisky. The Englishman was glad to have a drink. "Go on," said the Scot, "have another drink." The Englishman drank gratefully. "But don't you want one, too?" he asked the Scotsman. "Perhaps," replied the Scotsman, "after the police have gone."

Traffic Joke

A man was pulled over for driving too fast, even though he thought he was driving just fine. Officer: You were speeding. Man: No, I wasn't. Officer: Yes, you were. I'm giving you a ticket. Man: But I wasn't speeding. Officer: Tell that to the judge! (The officer gives man the ticket.) Man: Would I get another ticket if I called you a jerk? Officer: Yes, you would. Man: What if I just thought that you were? Officer: I can't give you a ticket for what you think. Man: Fine, I think you're a jerk!

Gun Joke

A blonde hurried into the hospital emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. "How did this happen?," the emergency room doctor asked her. "Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied. "What?" sputtered the doctor? "You tried to commit suicide by shooting off the tip of your finger?" "No, silly!" the blonde said. "First, I put the gun to my chest, and I thought, 'I just paid $6,000 for these; I'm not shooting myself in the chest." "So then?" asked the doctor. "Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I just paid $3,000 to get my teeth straightened; I'm not shooting myself in the mouth." "So, then?" "Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought 'This is going to make a loud noise, so I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."

Science Joke

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

Husband Wife Joke

Listen a job is a job, we all need to find away to put bread on the table don’t we? To make a long story short I’m a telemarketer that’s my job and that’s what I do. It’s not a job everyone appreciates, but it’s a job I enjoy and am proud of. The other day I called a house and a real nice lady answered the phone, she was really helpful and friendly, she was the type of lady that helps a telemarketer get through a long day. After some pleasantries I asked if Mr. Smith was in, “I’m sorry”, she answered “I’m afraid he doesn’t live here anymore.” Now that was a real disappointment being that she was a nice lady and all, but I took it all in a stride, “I’m sorry to hear that ma’am. Do you happen to have his new number.” “Sure thing!” The woman cheerfully replied, listing off his new number. I hung up the phone and quickly called the new number and was surprised to hear a recording. “Thank you for calling Green Acres Cemetery…”

Best short funny accident jokes with hilarious new Scottish jokes. More humor with crazy traffic jokes and good gun jokes including amazing science jokes. Includes amazing comedy videos.