71 Funny Short Jokes

Animal Joke

A blonde bought two horses, and could never remember which horse was which. A neighbor suggested that she cut the tail of one horse and that worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. It tore just right and looked exactly like the other horse's tail and our friend was stuck again. The neighbor suggested she notch the ear off one horse. That worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again our friend couldn't tell them apart. The neighbor suggested she measure the horses for height. When she did, she was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black horse.

Couple Joke

After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers. "I'm busy," he said, "I'll do the next one. The next time came around and she asked again. The husband looked puzzled, "Oh! I didn't mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby!"

Family Joke

One day a little girl was watching her mom make a roast beef. She cut off the ends, wrapped it in string, seasoned it and set it in the roasting pan. The little girl asked her mom why she cut off the ends of the roast. Mom replied, after some thought, that it was the way that her mother had done it. That night grandma came to dinner and the little girl and her mom went to her and asked why she had cut the end off of the roast before cooking. After some thought grandma replied, that was the way her mother had done it. Now great grandmother was quite old and in a nursing home. But the little girl went with her mom and grandma to see her and again asked the question. Grandma looked at them a bit annoyed and said, "So it would fit in the pan, of course."

Morning Joke

Grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning. He had made her coffee. She tasted what was the worst cup of coffee in her life, but because it had been made with love, she did not let on. When she finally finished her coffee she noticed that there were three of those little green army men in the cup. She said, "Honey, what are the army men doing in my coffee?" Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV - 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!'"

Man Joke

A man walked into a psychiatrist's office, sat down, took out a pack of cigarettes. He removed a cigarette from the pack, unrolled it, and stuffed the tobacco up his nose. The shrink frowned and said, "I see you need my help!" The guy said, "Yeah Doc. Got a match!?"

Lecture Joke

John was the cop in a small town where everyone knew each other. One night, during his night patrol, he spotted the town drunk walking down the street looking like he was up to no good. “Hey!” Said John, rolling down his window. “Your not heading for any trouble, are you?” “No sir!” Responded the drunkard with a big smile, “I’m heading to a lecture!” A lecture?! thought the cop incredulously at 1 am!? this I gotta see! After following him for a few blocks John was surprised to see him going into his house. “Hey!” John screamed out his window. “I thought you were heading to a lecture?!” The drunkard just held his index finger and headed inside. Sure enough within a minute John heard the lecture loud and clear through the upstairs window, “JUST WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU DOING OUT ALL THIS TIME YOU NASTY GOOD-FOR-NOTHING…”

Prayer Joke

Jim the town drunkard was at his wit’s end, he had no money to buy even the barest necessities for his family. It was right before going to sleep one night that Jim prayed the following emotional prayer: “Dear Lord, please, all I’m asking for is some food to put on the table, NOTHING else! The booze I’ll buy myself.”

Friends Joke

“Haha”, thought the cop gleefully, when he saw the staggering man walking out of the bar towards the parking lot, “I’ll just wait until he pulls out and then I’ll pull him over for drunk driving.” There was no doubt about it the man was as drunk as could be, after tripping over a rock and dusting himself off, the man slowly made his way towards his car swaying every which way. After opening the passenger side door by mistake, the man finally opened the right door and sat down heavily in the driver’s seat. After dosing off for a few minutes the man seemed to awake out of his drunken slumber and slowly put his keys in the ignition turning on the car. The man barely started pulling out before the cop turned on his sirens full blast and headed over to the car, “alright buddy” said the cop, “get on out and let me see you walk a straight line.” To the cops surprise the man easily walked a straight line. After passing the Breathalyzer test too, the cop was positively mystified, “how’d you get sober so quick?” question the cop. “Get sober?” responded the man with a smile, “I always was sober, I was just distracting you so all my drunken buddies could escape without you noticing!”

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